Clients Story: Breaking the Chains of Despair: A Wife's Courageous Journey

In marriage, we all face unexpected hurdles. The choice of how to act in the face of uncertain situations is ultimately our own. At times, it requires considerable courage. When we step outside our painful cycle of thoughts and listen to a different inner voice, we become stronger. This story may resonate with many others. Today, I want to share the wisdom of a wife who considered divorce due to her husband's gambling habits. 

This Korean-American couple, who sought counseling, originally met in the United States. The wife had promised her future to her husband, seeing his earnest nature. However, that promise was shattered when she discovered his gambling habits. The husband lost money and fell into debt time and again, and each time, he was bailed out by his parents.

His parents, first-generation immigrants who built their business through diligent effort, would blame him with bitterness whenever he incurred gambling debts. Yet, they always paid them off. To their daughter-in-law, they would say, "What can you do but endure?" While they intended to comfort her, their disappointment and resentment toward their son were nonetheless passed on to her.

The wife was overwhelmed by the situation, but could not bring herself to sever ties with her in-laws, who showed boundless love to her granddaughter. During the lonely moments when she couldn't even lean on her husband due to his fixation with gambling, she would resolve to divorce him, only to break down again at the sight of her young daughter’s face. 

Ultimately, as a last hope, the wife decided to travel to Korea with her husband, both to see her own parents and to take time to reflect. The couple knocked on the door of a counseling center together, and there, they confronted the reality of their situation.

Through counseling, the husband began to look into his inner self and confront his past that was filled with loneliness,  boredom, and absence of true fulfilling connections with others. He reflected on the memories of frequently being left home alone as a child and the emotional wounds from always being told, "It's because you did something wrong," whenever he expressed any hardship or emotion. Gaming was his only escape and comfort, and this was the catalyst of his gambling addiction as an adult, chasing bigger things that excited him.

The wife, too, began to recognize how her own childhood and wounds were affecting their then-current marital relationship, and the couple began to understand each other's pain instead of blaming one another. 

Fortunately, the husband showed a will to recover, and with the help of consistent effort and medication, the couple continued with online counseling after returning to the United States. The husband eventually secured employment and worked diligently, performing strenuous labor as needed on the job.

Seeing their son's improvement, his parents began supporting the couple's new beginning by helping them obtain their own house. However, their happiness was short-lived. The husband, who had promised himself he would work for a year, quit after six months due to mental and physical burnout. Landing another job was not easy either. Their desperate situation and the recurrence of emptiness and boredom, led him back to gambling. The husband reached out to his parents again, but this time, he was met only with a firm refusal and rebuke.

But in the midst of this situation, the wife's action greatly surprised the counselor.

During her conversation with the counselor, she was calm.

And she said this: "Yet so, he gambles much less and less often than before. And he's trying to find a job right now...  I'm grateful that he is trying by helping out with the housework."

Then she added emphatically: "You told me that relapses can happen with addiction, so I was always mentally preparing for it. In the past, when my husband would come home after losing money, I would blame and resent him along with my in-laws... But now, I find myself speaking to my in-laws on my husband's behalf."

"I told my in-laws that their son's problem wasn’t something that would get better overnight, so it would be best if they could wait and view things from a longer-term perspective. I did however tell them that refusing to give him money was a very good decision, and I affirmed their choice."

"I want to see my husband solve this problem on his own this time. It might be difficult financially, but that's okay. I believe the experience of overcoming it himself is more important than anything for his recovery, and I want to choose that path.

The counselor couldn't help but bow her head in admiration of her fortitud.

• Recovery is not linear:

It has now been a year since the couple’s counseling began. We do not know how their journey will unfold in the future, but because there is a wise wife who, in a moment of despair, acknowledges her husband's efforts and instead of blaming him, listens to the empathetic voice of reason within herself, we can hope that they will surely be able to cross the threshold of recovery.

The healing process is by no means a linear upward trend. It is a path of slow progression through countless undulations and what oftentimes feels like steps backward. In fact, the heart of the person making such a journey must also be one in great pain.

Therefore, that one step forward from 0 to 1 can be an enormous change. Encouraging and acknowledging small changes through that slow process can be a crucial key to recovery.

When it comes to mental struggles like addiction, it is particularly important for the family to provide consistent support while the individual learns the ability to care for oneself and own up to their own mistakes.

If you are going through a difficult time because of a family member experiencing mental difficulties, I hope this couple's story can give you some inspiration and comfort.

“I sincerely thank S**** and J***** for allowing me to share their story... and I am wholeheartedly rooting for their future! Thank you.”