Clients Story: The Journey to Finding a Soulmate (Insights on Relationships)

Today, I would like to share a wise insightful anecdote that a client of mine shared with me about relationships.

This client grew up as the eldest daughter in a bicultural household, with a Korean mother and an American father. As a child, she experienced considerable confusion navigating these two distinct cultures. In particular, dealing with her mother's unstable emotions, and judgmental and controlling nature was a painful experience. Having been born and raised in the United States, the client developed negative feelings toward Korean culture due to the constant pressure her mother would put on her to fit into the traditional role of the eldest daughter. Furthermore, the hardships she went through and her difficult emotions were never validated or fully acknowledged. This led her to reject her Korean heritage and adopt the persona of a "good girl,” while pretending everything was fine to suppress her painful feelings.

When her mother became terminally ill, the client had to confront many unresolved issues while caring for her until her passing. She felt resentment toward her mother, yet profound sadness and helplessness at not being able to alleviate her mother’s suffering and issues as well.

Several years ago, she embarked on a journey to connect with her roots in her mother's homeland. Spending time in Korea allowed her to discover many aspects of her culture and experience a crucial period of integrating her Korean heritage. Immersing herself in Korean culture, she found comfort living there while exploring its people and traditions and began a new chapter of her life. She is currently working as an English teacher in Korea and building a fulfilling career as an educator.

Furthermore, while navigating the difficult period of grief following her terminal diagnosis and death, she took time to reflect on her past relationships. In particular, as she recognized the wounds inflicted by her mother, she considered what qualities she seeks for in a future partner based on her upbringing.

She desires to be a good mother and has deeply contemplated what emotional support and encouragement her child will need to avoid experiencing the same pain she did, as well as what kind of partner she should look for.

Below, I would like to share what she discussed during her session. She itemized five qualities of the kind of partner she needs, the partner she desires, and the kind of partner she should be wary of.

She clearly understands her own values when it comes to finding a companion to build a relationship with, and has wonderful resources for broadening her perspective and employing perceptiveness.

Let's take a moment to appreciate her insightful and clear list of qualities she has decided to look for in a partner.

5 Needs, 5 Wants, 5 Boundaries

5 Needs (Non-Negotiables)

1. A Jesus adorer
2. Emotionally intelligent & available
3. A best friend
4. A kind neighbor
5. Deeply respectful

5 Wants (Preferences)

1. Korean or Korean American
2. Dark, wavy hair; warm brown eyes; muscles & tattoos
3. INFP with the sharpest observations, softest heart, and quiet intensity
4. Public service profession, such as police, firefighter, EMT, teacher (definitely NOT a corporate ladder climber, real estate agent, financial broker, etc.)
5. Born in 1993-1997 (up to 2 years older/younger than me)

5 Boundaries (Dealbreakers)

1. Threatening my safety and/or the safety of the relationship (“Let’s just break up then,“ “I’m leaving and I’m not coming back.”)
2. Disrespecting & invalidating my perspective (“You’re not in touch with reality,” “You’re too naive,” “That’s not how the world works.”)
3. Lacking self-awareness and awareness of his impact on others (“Why should you care what I do? Why would that bother you?”)
4. Consistently misunderstanding me (“You’re just like that because…” “You just need to stop being so…”)
5. Not taking ownership of & responsibility for his emotion/behavior management (“I just can’t be who you want me to be,” “I’m sorry I said that, but you just made me so mad.”)

For those who are looking for their partner:

Have you ever considered who you need in your life, what threatens you, and how to protect yourself from it?

The secret of a great sculptor is already knowing how to sculpt in their heart. A sculptor must have the skill, but they must also have a clear vision of what they want to create. If we can clearly define our ideal future spouse in our hearts and describe what kind of person we want, the likelihood of finding that person increases.

In my experience counseling couples, I often find that most marital conflicts arise because one partner doesn't feel fulfilled by the other, leading to pain and suffering.

It's unfortunate that so many people begin married life without considering how important and necessary these needs are, only to come to the realization much too late. If you're considering marriage simply because someone was nice to you, out of loneliness, or because you felt an inexplicable attraction, I kindly ask you to reconsider.

Choosing a partner to spend the rest of your life with solely based on your emotions can have devastating consequences.

That's why it's crucial to identify and deeply reflect on our own wounds, who we are, and the kind of partner we truly need—this decision not only profoundly impacts the rest of our precious lives, but also the lives of our precious children.

If you are looking to find a good partner who will positively influence you and grow together toward a happy life, I highly recommend creating the three lists of five items mentioned above.

I sincerely hope you all find the partner you need—a partner that can truly understand you and, likewise, one you can truly understand.

Finally, I would like to take a moment to my heartfelt gratitude to my client, H******, for generously sharing the list of qualities she seeks in a future spouse and her inspiring story.